It's been almost 6 years since I last wrote about anything. So much has happened since then. I love to write, not saying I'm a novelist, (one of my unrealistic goals), but to me, it's the same has having a conversation. I love to talk... about life, dreams, the unknown, how life works and why things happen or exist. I really enjoy figuring out complex behaviors or solutions to ailments. Long story short...I think I just enjoy learning and understanding.
Somewhere in the past, I left myself behind.
Who am I now? where did the old me go? why did I change? I would describe my inner self as caring, funny, creative, artist, crafty, fun, talkative, loved to dance, write, talk to anyone kind of woman. (... that word alone makes me feel old...but 'girl' is too young and "lady" is too proper to describe me lol...Ugg) anyway... I was that person, not so much anymore. I tend to shy away from being outgoing to more reserved or "shadowed" is a better word for my feelings now. Why? Why did I change? Who? Who did I change for? Am I a better person now? So many questions to be answered in this journey.
My SIL says she has to count backwards to plan for the hours ahead. If something is planned at 5pm, mental planning starts at 5, counting back the necessary tasks and estimate the time it takes to do those things...then you'll have the estimated time you need to start. Its more detailed than that but it's an example of what I'm getting ready to relate to...lol
(I need a short-hand kind of thinking strategy)... quick and to the point Rose..lol I guess you could say I'm like a round-a-bout....I have to go in circles to get straight to the point... sometimes my round-a-bout has construction signs....I get totally lost in where I'm going with a story.
ok get on with it, you can't fit everything in one post Rose. you can make another one..lol (self-coaching)
Starting now,
2024, counting back.... 2014 was my last finished rant or post..lol It's sad. I see more of the real me a little more as I reminisce through my old blogs and unposted drafts. I reach the year 2018, the last time I wrote in my blog...or the last draft date.
(I still write on random papers, napkins or junk mail envelopes, pretty much every day just stupid jotted down thoughts for the day.)
2018, I started a business. Over All Cleaning Service. My youngest started kindergarten and I needed a career. I clean apartments for HUD. Most of the time, I enjoy it and it's a really good income. I can work around my family needs, work at my own pace and not under a thumb of someone who demands overtime for pennies. I am probably the worst boss I've ever had though...I'm way too lenient on myself, and I could be a little stricter most days, but It works out.
2017. I got my tubes tied that year. I had a lot of problems later on. (unrelated to the tubal). I was in bad shape health-wise, getting worse weekly. Within 3 months I seen a Neurologist, Gynecologist, Optometrist, an ENT specialist, had MRI's, CAT scans, Ultrasounds, Bloodwork. The whole nine yards. I was going downhill fast. My very first symptom was sudden, severe depression, I absolutely thought I was dying, mentally felt like my life was ending, no explanation for the thoughts I was a happy person up until then.., Within a few weeks everything was going wrong it seemed. My eyes went complete double vision for a week, head pressure to the max, extremely dry sinuses, swelled sagging eyes and mouth...like a stroke. Surging/ vibrations, (like electricity running along my skin), unbalanced (falling over randomly). My gums were swelled and painful to the point I couldn't eat for about 3 days. My My lady cycle was every 2 weeks and heavy, my heart was beating weird, I had a lump in my neck that hurt, I couldn't remember things very well, my communication skills were lagging, my conversations were full of "ummm...hold on.." "I cant think of it...crap.." "What was I saying"...kind of words... I was forgetting a lot. All of my tests were pretty much normal a little off but not to be alarming. All the doctors said they didn't know what was going on. My family doctor looks at me and said, "I'm clueless. It doesn't make sense so I'm going to look for the stripe on the zebra that is different" he was running other blood tests that weren't common or routine. I agreed. The next day I get a phone call to come in, I needed to be started on Antibiotics ASAP. I had Lymes Disease. My doctor asked if I found any ticks on me in the last few months, I said yes it was the smallest tick I've ever seen, I thought it was a teeny scab that was hard to come off until I seen legs on that pin dot scab..lol I didn't think anything about it, just amazed how small it was. I must've had that tick on me for a while. It was behind my knee, no red ring around it, it just started itching about a week or so later after I was in a field of weeds looking at an old truck for parts. I didn't realize how bad I actually felt until after I started feeling better.. I was pretty messed up, everyone was saying I was a hypochondriac, over exaggerating. cause the symptoms didn't make sense. I knew I wasn't crazy. That tick affected every part of my body. I think Lyme disease made me age a lot since then, my skin texture has changed, eyes are saggy and whites of my eyes are tinted now, I find it easier to get borderline depressed or down now. Never in my life have I been depressed until Lyme. Disease. Anytime someone would tell me they are having problems, and it sounds like my symptoms I speak with urgency to get a Lyme disease test. They brush it off and tell me it's not that. I was there and went through it, I get it though, I would have ignored the advice also if someone had told me that, I would've never believed that a tick as tiny as that one could cause so many serious health problems. I am absolutely terrified of weeds now...well not the weeds just what's hanging on to the weed waiting on a victim.
I'm sure the diseased ticks is just another biological weapon to control, along with opiates, meth and smart phones. Made to make us weak and dependent. Look at the big picture... If you was in charge, and wanted to rule/control millions of people, would you want them strong, intelligent, more powerful than you?
2012. this is the year my youngest was born. H, unexpected? Yes. Mistake? Absolutely NOT. She is and always has been an amazing child. But that's another post..lol. Her father, "D" on the other hand, was the start of my downhill spiral as the person I used to be to who I am now. I was a fun-happy person who really enjoyed being me. I was confident, independent, had a routine (somewhat), I was healthy then too. about 130 lbs. lol ) I see the mistakes now and I still can't believe I fell for the manipulations.) Shortly before we started dating I was having problems with my current BF "S" of 7 years... or so I thought they were problems anyway. D convinced me that my current relationship was bad and I deserved more than what I was getting. He pointed out that my kids needed a man to be in their life to take them fishing or camping or just acknowledge them more. I did agree to that part. S was a good man, I can't say anything really negative about him, but he wasn't a real involved father type. Not a bad father by any means just not close knitted, I guess. (my children weren't his, I didn't expect him to be real close knitted) My kids talk about him now and speak very highly of him to this day, he was a good father figure... I was just manipulated. ok getting to that, D, (which I've known since grade school) at this time, he was married. D and her were having problems, they lived really, really close to us so we were informed of everything going on..lol They get divorced. My son at the time was always hanging out with them and family so he really got to know D or (now I know my son was the pawn in his scheme.) sad. D was taking him fishing, playing games... the kind of a father figure my son was looking for. I liked the fact that he was happy and had someone be there for him. Then D started on me. He was telling me how he could take care of my tree in the yard that needs cut, remodel things, and always complimented me, he started showing up when S wasn't around, either at my work or home. He was making me feel like I was missing out on something, I was believing I was. At that time, I wasn't interested in him at all, although, it was making me look at S differently. D was fun, and funny, always doing stuff. My relationship with S consisted of me watching him play video games and work on cars, I was bored, I guess. D got in my head. He started sending me messages about things just to get a conversation going. then it led to songs...that's when I felt the feeling. The feeling of butterflies. (you know, it's supposed to be a warning sign, not a good feeling) I did read that somewhere. I think there's some truth to it..lol Fast forward a few months...S accuses me of cheating with D. I never cheated on S... well...I was texting D, yes. (which is cheating) but physically, no. I was seeking peace and answers i wanted to turn to God, I asked S to go to church with me and he said no, he didnt believe in church... guess what?... D led me to church. I was then convinced S was the wrong path. We separate. I start seeing D. yeah, no surprise there. I end up pregnant 3 months later. I was having suspicions by this time that he wasn't the man he portrayed, too late now. All I ever wanted was a family. Mom/Dad- parenting their biological children. well now I had a chance to do that with at least one of my kids, make it work this time, I was determined. Shortly after I got pregnant, I started seeing him differently, he changed almost instantly. I was seeing signs of drug abuse. He would be energetic for a few days and pissed off at the world the next few. The sound of footsteps was enough to cause him frustration. when he wasnt working he would stay in the bedroom all day, come out to eat, and spend the nights in the bathroom. It was a roller coaster ride. I don't like roller coasters.. lol He isolated himself and seemed to hate the ground I walked on. The loving words and the intimacy stopped completely so did the conversations. I was living a mental nightmare. (just for the record... He wasn't by any means hands on abusive, he would have never hurt me or the kids physically.) I felt alone and not wanted. After I had my daughter, we slept under different covers with pillows between us. he worked later and later, and the pay checks got less and less. He started carrying a gun to work, making silencers for his gun. He had expensive chainsaws and tools stolen from his truck at my house. I would find him in the bathroom for hours on his laptop at 2-3 in the morning messaging other girls, videos or whatever he was doing. when I started seeing him sweat profusely, reading books for a whole day every day, always in the bathroom. When I started smelling something awful burning coming from the bathroom, I had a hunch he was smoking meth. I had enough. By this time, I was stressed out, 40+ pounds heavier and my hair was cut off... I had been ashamed of myself. my house was in shambles not including the yard and all the junk that laid around. what did I become. where did the old me go? and why did I put up with that for so long? just to have a family? I finally ended it and said I would never put my kids in that kind of danger again. I told D that he was supposed to be our protector, protect us from predators and danger...but he was leading us right into the mouth of the beast, or maybe he was the beast...I don't know.
I guess I had a lot to say about that. Almost a short story... maybe a little too much information but that is how therapy works, right? Yes, blogging or writing on random papers is my therapy.
2005-2012 These years were probably the best years I can describe me, feeling as close to being myself as I can. I was happiest I ever was. I was funny, creative, I was writing a lot, We had friends, family was tight, I felt loved, appreciated. I danced all the time, I was so happy I would laugh in my sleep..No lie. I guess I didn't realize it then but comparing then to now is a huge change. Maybe your 30s is your happiest times, free feeling, loving life. I miss happy, joy, laughter.
Now- 2024- I'm not that happy inside anymore. Why? my thoughts are; I let people get inside my head to change what I thought about myself. I was beautiful just like I was. I was weakened by someone that stole my light, and I let in darkness... as in sadness, frustration, doubt, greed, manipulation, pain, disease, hate. self-disregard.
In conclusion on this round-a-bout journey. I was searching for the kink in the water hose, the crack in the dam, or the problem in my past. I found myself in the year 2012 on the edge of despair, crying. I was seeking God and he answered me and I didn't even know it. I was so selfish in thinking it was about me and my pain. I did change and I know why. I held on to the belief in another man. His actions and words to tell me who I was and how to feel. God was there all the time. I was seeking him and didn't pay attention to what he was showing me. The warning signs, I ignored. I should've walked away when I knew in my heart it was wrong. God was telling me it was wrong, but I went on trusting my own understanding. I was contaminated with the evil workings of someone else but I continued to love and suffer for the right thing...love, family. I was rewarded with my daughter, she is life, she is love, she is pure. She is a blessing from the ashes of a burned soul that was never healed, so to speak.
Love thy enemy.
Revelation 2:10 Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days, you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life.
I will no longer dwell on what I have went through in the past. I try to do all things with love in my heart. No matter what I have went through, God has always walked me out.
I AM truly blessed and happy. I AM who I have always been, created and loved by God. I have been reunited with the lost version of me. I AM found. Thank you.
I didn't expect this outcome, God speaks through many different forms.
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